A survivor’s story ~ Love with a psychopath
© 2013 NeuroInstincts | All Rights Reserved
Introduction by NeuroInstincts ~
Becoming involved with a psychopath creates an experience that exposes their targets to intense pain, risk of harm, and betrayal. Abrianna is a survivor who found herself strongly bonded within an intimate relationship with a psychopath. She was involved with a man who demonstrated strong traits of the personality disorder and wound up in a chaotic and ever changing story of drama created by her partner. She explained that they were engaged to be married, however three months after the proposal he sent an email telling her it was over. The timing was unusual, as only the day before he told her to look up locations for a weekend get away. She was shocked that her future husband broke up through email and refused to answer her calls when she reached out in a panic and confusion.
Abrianna felt humiliated and did not understand the need for the callous, ‘blindside’ style breakup. She sent him a text asking, “What have I done to you to make it ok to treat me so badly.” He did not respond until three days later with an email. He explained to her that she had issues and that at his age (43) life was too short to waste.
She was shocked that their relationship went from engagement and planning a romantic get away to ‘leave me alone’ in less than 24 hours. She found it absolutely bizarre and unlike any other experience she’d ever had. She wondered, how could someone simply shut off their feelings in an instant? Had she not experienced it herself, she would have never believed it. The idea that someone could instantly lose interest in someone they professed to love and blame that person for their decision to do so was incomprehensible.
For months leading up to his final discard, she felt confused and hurt by his contradicting and callous behaviors. Although she attempted to address their problems during those months by asking what was wrong and what was happening, he refused to acknowledge her instincts as true (“Everything’s fine. Stop being paranoid!”).
Although he was the aggressor and the one in control within the relationship, he consistently pushed the theme that Abrianna was the one with problems.
He insisted that any problems within their relationship were solely caused by Abrianna and that if only she would trust him everything would be fine. However, he failed to acknowledge that his behavior was definitely not trustworthy. Although it was a fact that he was not a trustworthy individual, he reframed Abrianna’s reactions to him as paranoid, insecure, and crazy. If only she would submit and accept what he says, there would be no problems.
It was a relationship filled with emotional abuse, taunting, and intimidation. Some days he treated her with kindness and others he made fun of insecurities she’d entrusted him with in the beginning of their relationship.
His rage and hostility ramped up within the last few months of their time together, however she felt unable to leave. He was cruel and never apologetic. In fact, he blamed each of his rage filled intimidation sessions on her. “You brought this on yourself!” She loved him, cared about him, yet was often frightened by his temper. She was willing to do anything to make it work and kept holding onto the image of the great guy from the beginning who was supportive and kind.
Abrianna tried to accommodate him and often found herself walking on eggshells in order to reduce his episodes of rage. However, that strategy rarely worked. His control extended into every facet of her life. From what she was allowed to eat to the way she wore her hair, make up, and clothing. It had to be to his liking or he would belittle her.
He controlled which friends she was allowed to see and when. If allowed to go out, he would refer to her as a sl** or a who**. These vulgar terms were used even if it were work related dinners with colleagues. He intimidated and humiliated her at every possible opportunity. She began to shrink her world to a smaller and smaller circle of people. Although her world was turned upside down she clung to keep it.
Within the same week of the breakup Abrianna learned the full truth when she went by his place to retrieve her personal belongings. She was not allowed into the gates of the community by the grounds security. It seems the “new lady of the house” would not give permission for access. Abrianna was stunned. It had only been a week and there was already a new woman living in his home. How could that be? She suspected he was cheating, however she rarely allowed her mind to go to that painful place.
Knowing he clearly cheated and moved on with a new partner without remorse was painful for Abrianna. She could not make sense of the callous approach to ending their relationship or why he was never forthcoming or honest. She did not understand why she was not given the respect as a human being of hearing from him that he was moving on. That would have been hurtful to hear, however it would not have been abusive. To approach it in the manner he chose (blindside and cheating) seemed unnecessarily cruel to her.
The relationship and the aftermath were a difficult time for her. She found the pain following that relationship to be the worst she had ever experienced. She was thrown into a world that no longer made sense.
Why didn’t he simply breakup and move along, she wondered. But instead, there was a smear campaign, deception, cheating, pretending to still love her, calling her paranoid for feeling something was wrong, and frightening her with intimidating fights.
In the months that followed, she disclosed that at times the depression was so profound and overwhelming that she did not know how to make it through the day. She could not imagine there being any happiness in the future for her. She wanted to give up on herself and even lost faith in humanity.
Although it was the worst pain of her life, she explained that it eventually changed her for the better. The experience with him evolved her into a woman she now loves more than ever. The relationship aftermath forced her to look at traits within herself that needed attention.
Now, this of course was not something she realized right after the breakup, this evolution came a couple of years later. She was only able to look at areas within herself that needed improvement after she went through the healing process and was no longer emotionally fragile.
Mind you, she did not blame herself, as it would not be appropriate to be accountable for the violations and abuse of another person – those are always that person’s responsibilities to own. However, she realized that some of her traits allowed her to remain under extremely poor circumstances and accept it as “love.”
She worked toward healing. She ended up in a happy and positive relationship with a man who is quite a character (in the right way – funny, respectful, and really cares about her). Through the ending of this psychopathic relationship she was able to be available to meet the man who has brought much joy to her life.
Abrianna insisted we share her story because she wanted others to see how dark the pain can be after these relationships. Most importantly, she wanted to tell you all that there is hope and there are still good people out there who make wonderful partners. However, self sacrificing, abandoning who you are, and dealing with abuse, are inconsistent with a partner who loves you. Someone who cares for another would not purposely subject them to mistreatment.
We’ll let Abrianna take it from here.
© 2013 NeuroInstincts | All Rights Reserved