© 2017 – 2023 All rights reserved
(Do not copy or translate onto your site. Read “How to avoid copyright infringement”)
Narcissistic & Psychopathic Abuse
Narcissistic abuse is a pattern of manipulative, emotionally harmful, and potentially dangerous behaviors exhibited by individuals with a narcissistic personality disorder. It involves a range of character deficiencies (e.g., immorality, hypersensitive ego) and tactics demonstrated to control and manipulate their partners. They often cause the people who love them to feel intimidated, devalued, unimportant, and emotionally violated.
Because of their style of interaction, they often have power and control over their partners. The symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder usually lead to negative circumstances for others. Their partners are often exposed to evidence of:
- malicious envy,
- entitlement,
- compromised empathy capabilities,
- exploitation,
- fluctuating self-esteem,
- narcissistic rage, and
- antagonism.
Naturally, the behaviors of those with a narcissistic personality disorder, particularly under the intimate conditions of a close relationship, are abusive.
Psychopathic abuse is similar but involves individuals with psychopathic personality traits or antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). Psychopathic abusers are characterized by a pervasive pattern of disregard for the rights of others, impulsivity, deceitfulness, and a lack of remorse for their actions. They can engage in manipulative, criminal, and severely exploitative behaviors. They often create victims who need immediate protection, treatment, or care.
Similar to a person with a narcissistic personality disorder, their presentation (packaging) can vary from charming and superficially social to detached and anxious. (Want to learn more regarding the red flags of psychopathy? Read: Involved with a Psychopath?)
Understanding these forms of abuse is crucial because survivors can often struggle to recognize the harmful dynamics, which can perpetuate the trauma bond between them and the abuser.
For the trauma bond to exist ...
For the trauma bond to exist – one person is the abuser and the other is not. These conditions must always be present to refer to the bond as a ‘trauma bond.’
Someone is being violated, exploited, or neglected. The person experiencing the trauma bond is strongly attached to their abuser.
-
The abuser has (self-generated) fluctuating patterns of behavior that blend periods of normalcy, calmness, or niceness with periods of turmoil, toxicity, and abuse.
-
The non-abuser may find themselves strongly attached to the abuser due to the normal process of attachment and bonding that takes place within relationships.
-
The non-abuser may find themselves unable to detach even if they have a desperate desire to do so and are aware of the safety risks of remaining associated with the abuser.
-
The trauma bond is not a reflection of a character weakness or lack of self-esteem.
-
The trauma bond is not a synonym for codependency. One can experience a trauma bond in the absence of codependency. However, it is likely those with patterns commonly called “codependent” are more vulnerable to a traumatic bond.
-
The abuser holds the power in the relationship.
-
A trauma bond has nothing to do with 2 people experiencing a difficult or traumatic experience together (e.g., “We are trauma-bonded because of what happened to us”—that is a different experience entirely). It is an incorrect use of the phrase “trauma bond” or the use of the two words to literally describe that situation. The speaker likely does not intend the phrase to reflect an abuser/survivor relationship. They simply mean they were involved in a traumatic experience with another that bonded them. (People have asked me if they were the same.)
Here are 3 Self-Help Approaches
Feeling deeply attached to a partner that has turned on you is one of the worst relationship spots to find yourself in – betrayal. Being in that position can make it extremely difficult to arrive at decisions that will be in your best interest. The brain will be more apt to make rationalizations when we are deeply connected to someone.
Professional Help and Self-Help
We all know the value of a highly trained, exceptional therapist or psychologist who not only understands the complexity of psychological conditions but also ‘gets it’ when it comes to narcissistic abuse. They can be vital to helping you through this difficult time.
Let’s look at a few things you can do from a self-help standpoint to get started moving your brain away from a trauma bond.
- No Contact
- Detachment
- Support
No Contact
Through the process of love, our brain will have many chemical reactions that take place automatically. Therefore, when we are trying to move past this type of painful relationship, we need to be in control of our exposure.
Their presence can intensely activate the emotional system of the brain, and sometimes it can activate regions that reduce our pain. This would be a problem because reducing pain could increase the bond with the abuser, making healing more difficult.
As human beings, we are going to have chemical responses to the people in our lives. Deciding to go ‘no contact‘ becomes an obstacle to that exposure. It gives the brain chemistry a chance to settle down.
Once it is settled, it will be easier to have exposure to them (if necessary) without feeling intense bonding-related, reactions.
Be prepared for the individual with narcissistic or psychopathic personality disorders to reach out. Many will cross boundaries and ignore the obvious signs that you are ‘no contact’. Make sure you have a plan in mind. In that way, you will know how you want to respond before you are in that position.
Main Points
- Limit contact with the abuser to reduce the brain’s emotional response.
- Avoid contact to prevent re-bonding with the abuser.
- Go “no contact” to potentially reset brain chemistry and manage your emotional response.
Intentional Detachment
Full ‘no contact’ is not possible for everyone. There are often co-parenting responsibilities, business involvement, and the reality for some that the relationship has not yet ended. However, you can engage in detachment even if physical ‘no contact’ is not an option for you.
Detachment involves a conscious decision and the full belief that you will not be a part of this relationship anymore. People who engage in detachment tell themselves that they will not be pulled into, fall for, or be a part of the manipulation that their partner knew worked on them in the past.
Detachment is using your cognitive (thinking) abilities as protection of your emotional system. While physical detachment involves creating distance, emotional detachment is about disengaging your feelings and thoughts from the abuser.
Survivors might feel addicted to their ex-partner, distressed, and confused, making detachment challenging. I acknowledge that it can be difficult because it requires:
- Ignoring emotional impulses that draw you back to the abuser, like checking what is going on in their life or seeking closure.
- Understanding narcissism spectrum education to comprehend the pathological traits of the abuser and resist manipulation.
- Internalizing a ‘no contact’ mindset, even if physical separation isn’t entirely possible.
Through education, even if your heart is still hurting, you can understand that the behaviors of someone with pathological narcissism and psychopathy are resistant to change.
Intentional detachment involves using your education/ information to make a pivot in thinking. It is no longer ‘us’ … it is ‘you‘ and your sanity, safety, and future that must become most important.
Detachment from the person with a violating, abusive personality can happen even when you are in pain and required to have sporadic contact with the abuser. You can think of it as an internal ‘no contact.’ You are protecting your emotions with a thought barrier. “I know exactly the kind of person you are … you are not getting access to my emotions anymore!” (said internally, of course)
Main Points
- Detachment is a way to protect yourself from an abusive partner, even if you cannot go no contact.
- It requires understanding the abuser’s unlikely change and prioritizing your well-being.
- Use narcissism education to pivot your thinking and create an internal “no contact.”
- It takes time and effort to learn to detach from an abusive partner. Be patient with yourself and celebrate your progress, no matter how small.
Support
We all probably know that we need support in times of crisis and pain. Let me tell you what the brain does with support. It responds to love, compassion, and the presence of kind people with the release of oxytocin.
One of the many roles of oxytocin is that it can help ease anxiety and has a calming impact on the nervous system. It also helps with addiction-like responses.
Oxytocin helps us to feel connected. Through connection to others (away from connection to the abuser), we feel stronger.
Support is essential to have as a part of your healing – it helps to weaken the trauma bond.
Not all support is equal.
The harsh, ‘tough love’ type where you feel you have to defend why you are feeling sad and fragile will cause the brain to have a stress reaction rather than a calming empowered response.
So please be mindful of the type of people you allow around you during this period. It would be synonymous to getting an exfoliating treatment on your face that was recently burned in a fire. The harshness will harm the skin because it is far too fragile. The timing would be all wrong.
Main Points
- Support is essential for healing from abuse.
- Oxytocin, released in response to love, compassion, and connection, can help to ease anxiety, calm the nervous system, and weaken the trauma bond.
- Not all support is equal. Avoid harsh, “tough love” approaches that can trigger a stress response.
Potential Safety Risks are ...
Potential safety risks for going ‘No Contact’:
Potential for Violence in Response to Loss of Control: Understand that the abuser might react violently upon realizing that their control is being challenged or diminished by the ‘no contact’ decision.
Alternative Contact Methods by the Abuser: Stay alert for the abuser’s attempts to reach out through different channels, including social media, email, or phone calls, after initiating ‘no contact’.
Risk of Stalking and Harassment: Be aware of the possibility that the abuser may resort to stalking or harassing behaviors as a response to ‘no contact’.
Potential safety risks for Intentional Detachment:
Risk of Retaliation by the Abuser: Be prepared for potential backlash such as smear campaigns, increased abusiveness, or escalated violence as a response to your detachment from the abuser.
Manipulation Tactics to Rekindle the Relationship: Stay vigilant against the abuser’s possible attempts to emotionally manipulate you into re-entering the relationship.
Isolation from Unsupportive Social Circles: Recognize the possibility of being distanced from friends and family who may not understand or support your decision to detach from the abuser.
Emotional Turmoil Post-Detachment: Be aware that feelings of guilt, shame, and self-doubt are common emotional responses following detachment.
Trauma-Related Symptoms: Understand that detachment may trigger PTSD symptoms such as flashbacks and nightmares, which are natural reactions to past trauma.
Threat of Blackmail: Be cautious of the abuser potentially using sensitive or private information against you as a form of blackmail.
Potential safety risks for the Support System
Evaluating Support System Safety: Exercise caution when selecting your support system. Avoid sharing your experiences with those who might trivialize your situation with comments like ‘there are two sides to every story’ or ‘give them another chance,’ as these perspectives could jeopardize your safety. Confide only in those who genuinely understand and prioritize your welfare.
Discerning Mask Believers: Be aware that some individuals may be convinced by the façade of the pathological narcissist, doubting the survivor’s account of abuse. Recognize these individuals and understand their potential to undermine your recovery process.
Establishing Boundaries for Support: Clearly communicate your needs and limits to your support network. Inform them about the type of support that is helpful for you and what might be harmful or triggering.
Recognizing Retraumatization Signs: Pay attention to feelings of overwhelming anxiety or distress that may arise from interactions within your support system. Be proactive in evaluating your emotional state and, if necessary, distance yourself temporarily from the support system or seek professional assistance to address these feelings.
Conclusion
In conclusion, navigating the path to recovery from narcissistic and psychopathic abuse requires careful consideration of various safety risks and emotional challenges. Whether it’s implementing ‘No Contact,’ practicing intentional detachment, or choosing a supportive network, each step comes with its unique hurdles.
Survivors must be vigilant of potential retaliation or manipulation from the abuser, the emotional difficulties of detachment, and the importance of establishing a safe and understanding support system.
Of course, not all situations result in adverse reactions from the abuser. Many survivors may find that the narcissistic individual moves on without causing further harm post-separation. This possibility should offer hope and reassurance to those making the brave decision to exit such relationships.
Your awareness of both the potential risks and the likelihood of a peaceful outcome is key in empowering you with a balanced perspective, leading you toward a future of resilience, healing, and empowerment.
🌱 Looking to find actionable strategies, deepen your understanding, and work with me? I created a course just for that!
It’s a unique blend of neuropsychology and heartfelt compassion from a fellow survivor.
Click here to learn more and see if it’s the right fit for you. 🌱
© 2017–2023. All Rights Reserved
Best ♡ Rhonda Freeman, PhD | Neuropsychologist