The individual who responds to conflict or matters of accountability by blaming others for their actions, is engaged in an abusive act. Be aware, a behavior can be abusive even if it is not their intention to be abusive. Externalizing blame (or blame shifting) is a common occurrence within a relationship with a narcissist or psychopath. The behavior is harmful, manipulative, and often confusing for the target of blame. This leaves their victims nursing a broken heart and attempting to cope with painful feelings of guilt, shame, or regret. For some, it may even lead them to apologize for something they did not cause or do.
Now I fee better
Blame shifting, in my opinion, is a common cognitive distortion of abusers and pathological narcissists. I consider it a cognitive distortion because often they truly believe those thoughts. Externalizing blame is beyond a lie; beyond an intentional tactic, but rather a hard-wired way of thinking.
Usually, cognitive distortions will lead a person toward negative emotions and feeling badly about themselves. However, the cognitive distortions of narcissists and psychopaths allow them to feel better about themselves and can often get them out of 'trouble.' Within the process of shifting blame away from themselves, they believe (and will try to convince others - including you) that they are the victim. You harmed them. "Look at what you made me do!?!"
This externalization style of thinking and playing victim often go hand in hand. We often see blame externalization behavior within the context of gaslighting. This is a very frequent manner gaslighting is demonstrated within some narcissistic relationships.
By blaming you, minimizing their actions, and making excuses they receive some pretty nice benefits. It lets them off the hook (in their mind) for lying to you, yelling at you, exposing you to silent treatments, betrayal, inaction, stealing, cheating, indulging in selfish pleasure, etc. It all gets erased by shifting the blame to you or someone else. Suddenly, they have nothing to feel badly about, because if only you had done or said 'XYZ' this situation would not have happened. For the narcissist, it means their fragile sense of self resets back to their belief that - "I'm the good guy!"
These 'benefits' can extend beyond what they gain in social relationships with peers. For example, researchers DeLisi, Angton, Vaughn, Trulson, Caudill, & Beaver (2014) found that by 'externalizing blame' several psychopathic individuals charged with murder received lighter sentences.
What’s behind their predictable blame shifting?
The simple answer is - the brain. If there are problems with the chemistry, the connections within, or the capabilities of certain regions, we will see that in the form of symptoms, personality issues, cognitive limitations, or behavior problems. As you know, personality disorders and all conditions of thinking and emotion are generated by the brain.
So it shouldn't surprise you to find we have neural pathways associated with accountability, accepting blame, seeing our faults (insight), and defensiveness. For that small list I just offered - the neural pathways are different and are activated in very specific ways!
The pathological narcissist will usually have problems with each of those functions. That means, they are not 'trying' to get out of trouble each time they are blame-shifting (intentionally), but rather their ability to process facts will lead them to an immature, cognitive distortion and belief set similar to the following: "It's not my fault." | "I'm not going to take responsibility for that!" | "You did this!"
Facts will not matter. Evidence will not matter. You can even show them video of them engaged in an act that caused you extreme harm - at best you will get minimization (which is accepting your facts, but reframing it as 'not so bad.') They may even eventually acknowledge that certain components were true. They may claim they have learned and instantly grew from the encounter (but that will not be true; they will be the same). When they see a greater prize or payoff (e.g., saving their image; earning something else they want) they may admit fault solely as a manipulation tactic because image or another goal is suddenly more important. This is a common approach for the narcissist who is suddenly exposed or reprimanded by others for the bad behavior.
What matters more than anything to someone with narcissistic personality disorder is feeding the ego; protection of the fragile sense of self; protection of the image of the good guy / good girl. They may even explicitly say the words, "I'm not the bad guy here!" They cannot tolerate anyone highlighting their faults, which could lead them to suddenly feel badly about themselves. It is a pain they tend to find unbearable. Some will react with rage, placing your safety at risk.
This is why they do not and cannot grow emotionally. The pathological narcissist you met at 25 will be the same at 75 years old.
Pathology does not go away. It does not let up. Neural pathways cannot be ignited to work properly when it comes to the symptom set listed above.
What does that mean for their partners?
Because they cannot be accountable and do not demonstrate a sense of responsibility or contrition, most of their intimate partners will be exposed to comments such as,
You’re so insecure! You can’t let go of the past. You pushed me away. You didn’t communicate properly! You’re paranoid! You’re angry and aggressive! I didn’t do anything wrong … it was you!
Even if there is a bit of truth in what they said regarding your role in a specific disagreement (e.g., insecurity, anger) - you have to remember the following.
They engaged in behaviors that lead to those reactions in others (in you). * Of course you ARE going to feel insecure if you suspect someone is cheating or deceiving you. * Of course you will likely raise your voice if your partner violated your boundaries and disrespected you and the relationship. * Of course you will think about their abusive behavior of the past, because it still hurts. However, pathological narcissists often use those normal emotional reactions against their partners - as if it is a sign of deficiency to be upset with them. To hold someone's (normal) reaction against them is manipulation and psychological abuse.
Someone who loves you would never want to contribute to your pain
Who wouldn’t feel insecure when the person you love pulls away, behaves with secrecy, or puts you down? Insecurity within these relationships do not simply appear without reason. During your healing and recovery, any remnants of their voice in your head that blames you, should be given minimal weight. Why? Because ... Most manipulators and abusers blame the person they violated. Avoid seeking resolution and closure from such a person. They do not have the capacity (or interest) to provide it. Their goal is not your goal; they need to appear to be your victim or simply free of all fault. That would be considered a superficial, self-focused / self-serving outcome not based in reality and not addressing the emotional complexity of their 'bad behavior.'
A mature, empathic person would never intentionally contribute to the pain of another by blaming him/her for their chosen behavior. *If you'd like to go deeper with me regarding narcissistic abuse - learn more about my online course and join me there: Learn more
All the best ♡
Rhonda Freeman, PhD
© 2017 All Rights Reserved (Reviewed 2022)
References:
DeLisi M, Angton A, Vaughn MG, Trulson CR, Caudill JW, & Beaver KM. (2014). Not my fault: blame externalization is the psychopathic feature most associated with pathological delinquency among confined delinquents. Int J Offender Ther Comp Criminol. Dec;58(12):1415-30.