Exploring relationships with partners devoid of morals, empathy, honesty and a conscience

Blame Shifting | When a Selfish, Callous Partner Tells You ~ ‘It is all your fault’

When a Selfish, Callous Partner Tells You ~ ‘It is all your fault’

Blame Shifting

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For abusive individuals, people who are trusting and forgiving are easier to manipulate than a fellow narcissist or psychopath. This works out perfectly for abusers as they nearly always use blame shifting as a solution to interpersonal problems. 

With an open, vulnerable, and regulated mate, pathological abusers are able to garner and experience the comfort of genuine emotions. They can be assured they will be treated with kindness and respect, because they do not have a partner with a character like themselves.

When these abusive relationships break down, it is typical for the individual with psychopathy or narcissistic personality disorder to place the blame on their mate.

They leave their partner stewing in pain, confusion, and perhaps even guilt for the relationship problems.

If only you were ‘this or that‘, then things would have worked out.

But the reality is – that is not true.

Individuals with psychopathy and narcissistic personality tend to always externalize blame. Even with evidence to the contrary. When presented with a loving, devoted, forgiving partner – they will still blame shift, abuse, and erode her self worth.

For people with the ability to feel guilt, shame, and remorse, this can place them within a whirlwind of pain.

It’s important to remember that it is not healthy to blame yourself for the personality disordered symptoms of another. You did not cause this.

“If it’s blame shifting, then why do I feel so awful? So responsible?”

“I can’t help but think, I was gullible. I was a push-over.” 

It may be tempting to make such self-assessments after the devaluation stage of an abusive relationship. However, that line of thinking will only lead to heightened negative emotions – they will not serve you in your healing.

When you are in a better place emotionally, you can then look at your boundaries and personality style. But it can be counterproductive to do so while in the midst of raw pain.

You were deceived because you had faith in another human being. Perhaps you have not encountered this personality style before and therefore overlooked warning signs and red flags.

However, that does not mean you are responsible for what happened to you. It can happen to anyone … Anyone.

How could you have easily made the decision to walk away, when in the beginning of the relationship you did not have all the facts? It is rare that abusers show their true colors in a new relationship.

You did not know that any kindness and attention in the beginning was temporary, soon to be replaced by callous, cold, controlling behavior.  

Once this is discovered most partners are already bonded and tend to struggle tremendously to move away from the abuse.

The following can be helpful in breaking the emotional bond in the aftermath of a relationship with a psychopathic or narcissistic partner.

* Awareness (e.g., Psychopathy | Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

* Desire for Self Preservation and Safety

* Willingness to Learn and Shift Direction

* Adopting a “No tolerance for Abuse” stance

* Gaining an Education regarding this cluster of personality disorders

* Avoidance of behaviors that increase the bond in the aftermath (e.g., checking their social media)

As always – we wish you the best in your healing journey.

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