Narcissistic Abuse &
Codependency
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Have you been involved with a narcissist or psychopath and wondered if you stayed or made that partner choice due to ‘codependency’? Remaining involved with a narcissistic partner may not have anything to do with codependency. Let’s look at why.
My Personal Encounter with Codependency
I want to share a quick story regarding my encounter with the concept of codependency. Many years ago I put out a video to describe my views.
I believed the concept of codependency was far overused when it came to survivors of narcissistic abuse. I discussed that what may appear to be codependency could be something else entirely.
Neuroscience can actually give us the answer, rather than looking at a behavior and ascribing a reason or theory to that behavior.
In the video I disclosed my therapy experience (after my psychopathic relationship.)
My psychologist said, “Rhonda have you considered that you could be codependent and found yourself within this kind of relationship due to having codependent patterns? I believe that’s why you stayed and can’t let go now.”
Initially I was relieved to finally find out what was going on with me. If she was correct then I finally had an answer and could direct my healing path toward codependency.
My relief was short-lived because I immediately realized – there had been no assessment of my behavior or personality and the clinical interview was far too minimal. As a neuropsychologist, I knew she did not have enough data.
I had to question – “If that is true, then explain why I have these intense emotions, struggles, and experiences with only this particular man? Wouldn’t this be a pattern that would have appeared in my previous intimate relationships?” She was unable to provide a response, however she encouraged me to explore codependency as the root of my difficulties.
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Reactions of the Brain to the Pathology of Others
Our brains react to different people and different scenarios in different ways. With that awareness one can look at the conflicting and violating behaviors of psychopaths and narcissists and see why a brain could have certain intense responses to these painful relationships.
What if I Always Lose Myself in Relationships?
Not all narcissistic relationships are the same.
A few years ago, there was a tendency online for content creators to broadly label everyone involved in a relationship with a narcissist as codependent.
They disregarded the variety of childhoods, personalities, and experiences of the survivors. However, it was my goal to get the message out to survivors that not everyone who is with a certain partner (narcissist) is the same psychologically.
Also, these creators did not take into account that there are many narcissists who couple with other narcissists.
This article aims to broaden that perspective, acknowledging that while some may resonate with codependency, others might find their experiences lie outside that framework.
Recognizing this diversity is critical to offering (and receiving) appropriate support and treatment. In that way, individuals can focus on the aspects most relevant to their healing.
While this article will highlight alternative explanations for codependency and the narcissistic relationship, it is important to recognize that codependency is a valid experience for some individuals. Here are two of the many reasons for the common ‘narcissist-codependent’ coupling:
- The codependent person’s natural desire to be helpful and seek approval can leave them vulnerable to manipulation in relationships.
- The codependent person’s tendency to focus excessively on others to the detriment of themselves can feed the narcissist’s need for constant validation, attention, and control.
Having a codependent style is not a matter of fault or weakness. Instead, it is a complex interplay of changeable emotional patterns that deserves self-compassion.
If Partners of Narcissists are not always Codependent then:
- Why do They Stay?
- Why do They Appease the Behaviors of Narcissists?
For those trying to learn more about yourself as you heal from a narcissistic relationship, know that the brain goes through incredible upheaval in response to a disordered partner.
Rather than attributing the connection to an abuser solely to codependency (it may or may not be), it is crucial to consider a broader range of factors.
Here are five (of several) concepts I would consider as a neuropsychologist regarding the reactions of a survivor exposed to narcissistic and psychopathic abuse:
Five Alternatives to Consider:
1) Neurobiology of Love
In neuroscience, it is considered ‘normal’ to feel addicted to our mate and feel they are a part of us. Some have erroneously referred to the natural process of love and feeling deeply attached and ‘addicted’ to the partner as codependency. However, if you look at the neurobiology of romantic love, some of the process involves the reward system, which causes a “partner addiction.”
Of course you’re going to feel addicted to the person you love! The brain is set up to create that very situation. However, it is easy to see how this can become a problem if your partner is abusive.
2) Trauma Bond
In relationships with narcissists and psychopaths, it is not uncommon for the survivor to find themselves within a traumatic bond with their partner. This can potentially be maintained after the relationship is over.
For those who have followed my particular theory on the neurobiology of the traumatic bond, you know I believe it is associated with a combination of the reward and bonding systems. These systems are strongly tied with chemistry, such as dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endogenous opioids.
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2) Neurobiology of Rejection
Narcissists and psychopaths often engage in rejection throughout the relationship. The functioning of their brain is typically geared toward serving a fragile ego, envy, immorality, and control.
Exposure to those conditions can send the message to their partners that they are not good enough for the narcissistic individual – not deserving of respect or equality.
For many, rejection not only activates the neural pathways of pain, the experience can potentially ramp up the neural circuitry of bonding.
Additionally, the rejecting behavior of pathological narcissists can ignite systems associated with feeling unsafe or defective and can intensify our attention (focus) on the person who is the rejector (narcissist/ psychopath).
4) Neurobiology of the 'Survival Response'
When within a narcissistic relationship and the conditions become abusive or disrespectful, our brain instinctively engages the ‘threat detection‘ and ‘threat response‘ systems. These survival approaches include fight, flight, freeze, and appeasement.
This appeasement, contrary to a sign of weakness, is an adaptive response of the brain’s threat system, prioritizing safety even if it contradicts our usual personality (e.g., confidence).
Narcissistic rage or the threat of narcissistic rage can be frightening.
We can choose to engage in fight, flight, freeze, or appease (or the brain can choose it for us.) However, the goal is the same: to de-escalate a situation and gain safety.
On the surface, appeasement can look like enabling the narcissist. It may include putting forth no boundaries as to do so with some narcissists and psychopaths would be dangerous.
Some survivors may believe they are codependent because of the set of behaviors they demonstrated when they were appeasing their partner for safety / de-escalation reasons.
5) 'Narcissist Novice' - Some Have Never Been in Close Proximity to a Narcissist
Sometimes the reason someone stays within an abusive relationship is as simple as lack of exposure.
Many people have never been exposed to a narcissist or psychopath in any close relationships in their lives. And if they find themselves with such a partner, they may stay involved because they believe everyone is “good” at their core and capable of remorse, growth , compassion, and accountability. (This belief can also be held due to religious reasons.)
For the narcissist novice, it has always been their reality that people are mostly decent and moral.
Through their relationship with a pathological narcissist, they learn (for the first time) that they were wrong.
We would not label such a person as codependent for staying. They were fortunate enough to grow up surrounded by love, support, and morals from others. Sadly, this relationship is the very experience that will teach them otherwise.
Why Some Survivors Stay Under Abusive Conditions
It’s important to note that survivors can be experiencing several situations all at once. They can be trauma bonded, in love, feel hurt by rejection, and demonstrate what others would consider ‘codependency’.
Remember, humans and situations are complex. It does not have to be only one variable – it is often more than one that pulls them to stay.
In addition to those circumstances, some survivors may also be in a compromised emotional state. By that I mean they may have PTSD, depression, C-PTSD, anxiety, loss of self esteem, lowered self-worth, loss of sense of self, and the pain of betrayal all contributing to their decision to remain with a narcissist.
This is why it will be essential for mental health providers helping survivors identify what is happening to their client rather than lump all those symptoms and conflicting neurochemistry reactions under “codependency.”
To presume that staying, tolerating abuse, or feeling attracted or compassionate toward your abuser is codependency will place an additional burden on the survivor.
Beyond Codependency
So, while it’s tempting to believe that codependency is why you stayed in a narcissistic relationship – it may be. Or it may not be.
It’s crucial to approach healing with an open mind and a willingness to dig deeper rather than accepting a single, potentially misleading label. The same goes for therapists who offer treatment to survivors of narcissistic abuse – this area is nuanced.
Conclusion
Consider incorporating a bit of neuroscience to truly get to the core of the issue. Remember these five other possibilities that could be at play when dealing with narcissistic relationships:
• Neurobiology of love
• Neurobiology of rejection
• Traumatic Bonding
• Survival Response
• Narcissist Novice
There are other brain-related reactions associated with narcissistic abuse not listed here that some might term codependent. In the end, your healing journey is personal and unique.
Embrace the complexity of your experience, and remember, you’re more than any single label. You are resilient, strong, and capable of recovery. ♡
(References here)
*Best, Rhonda Freeman, PhD | Neuropsychologist
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© 2018 All Rights Reserved (updated in 2023)
(Do not copy or translate onto your site. Read “How to avoid copyright infringement”)